My Vipassana Experience {Face your bullshit}

Vipassana meditation, 

You know this crazy buddhist experience ?

{So strict and self confronting}

For 10 days,

Start at 4 am and

Meditate 10 hours a day,

No talking, 

No connection, 

No writing, 

No reading, 

No phone,

No internet,

No yoga, 

No dance, 

No music. 

Nothing to hold on to

or to escape to,

Just seat and focus.

(I personally left after 7days)

Through this obliged stillness,

I noticed intensively,

All my thoughts,

All my body sensations,

All my resistances to life as it is.

Clarity lighten my bullshits.

The lies my mind was telling me about my experiences

That I blindly believed.

I had to be ok with myself and now, 

In the most strict conditions, 

I woke up every morning at 4 am, 

The food was hard to eat, 

The room was dark and humble

The bed was super hard. 

It was boiling hot.

I experienced the worse scenario of my imaginations, 

Of what is happening in the outside world, 

Some beautiful visuals, many memories,

Choreogaphies and movies came up to me randomly,

What a trip! 

The mind is so powerful!

Specially without external stimulations or distractions.

Finding your center there is SURVIVAL!

I lost my neutrality, 

Because I didn’t get this concept of not feeling or experiencing things.

of being so desattached, so nothing really matters,

I thought that it was fucking boring!

“What is the point of life without feelings, opinions or emotions?!” I thought :)

But without neutrality in me all those crazy feelings were actually taking over me,

Everything was so strong and not possible to handle.

So It took me some time to realize that neutral is actually not boring,

it’s smart.

Pure wisdom.

Neutral comes from pure acceptance of our human experience!

We always have the light of inner wisdom within, 

Beyond feelings or thought, 

We can access it,

It's a practice,

Wisdom doesn’t mean that we don’t experience life fully.

We just don’t take things so seriously, we move on faster,

Things don't become drama or keep us stuck into patterns that separate us

From this magical experience of LIFE. NOW.

Move on,

It’s a new moment, Pure and fresh

Again!

Some emotions can drive and take me completely, 

But this too is part of life,

And my inner wisdom is going with it, 

Because it’s what I have to go through... 

It's what is supposed to happen,

To realize…

To grow…

Sometime you just have to let go, 

The light will come in some ways...

In divine timing baby!

And that we can't always control it  (Poor sweet ego!)

In my life I was very often trying to escape now, 

With my thoughts that ‘Now was not good enough’

Or "this person was not good enough"

During this experience I noticed how I was so attached to those illusions, 

Those illusions made me feel like I “knew” what life is, 

“That way” or “supposed to be this way”

I actually realised that don’t know much,

A lot of it is imagined or projected.

There is a wisdom beyond the mind comprehension or analyses.

I had a out of body experience, 

I lost all my usual unconscious beliefs,

My ego, I didn't recognise myself,

My orientation in this world, in my body.

Everything that used to make sense,

Didn’t anymore,

It was terrifying.

I was so lost,

There was no more stories,

Only now.

It was very borderline and shaky (that's why I left earlier)

But I made it into the other dimension,

I liberated myself, I started to recreate everything in me, more in tune.

To focus on what is really important for me.

As a spiritual being having a human experience.

Because so much is illusion,

We can choose what to believe,

So I’m deciding to believe in things

That empower me and most of all WE.

Finding the bigger picture that tells me to trust, 

That the big plan is evolution,

That we are all interconnected,

All coming from the same source of consciousness,

A deep intelligence beyond the mind comprehension,

Life will enfold the way it's supposed to.

That in the deepest layer we are,

Pure love,

Pure wisdom,

Pure consciousness,

Pure spirit.

The more I see this, the more I'm in Truth.

WOW the biggest slap of my life!

The brain that is so used to judge,

and label things and give meaning to things,

without my conscious agreement,

Those deep unconscious conditioned patterns, 

Created some hate about life and self harm, 

And the realization of this

Is a deep wound, 

Growth is painful,

Facing how of a slave I’ve been is not that pleasant!

I numbed myself many times from really experiencing the present moment,

This took me away from enjoying life to the fullest.

And realising myself to my full potential.

It's a new habit to remember that Now and Me and Life, 

and Sensations and Emotions, and Desires, and Shadows,

and Rejections, and Resistances, are Perfect as they are! 

However difficult it can be!

I got a taste from the universe vastness. 

And it taste like unconditional love, deep compassion and acceptance of what is.

I knew all those things that I realised during that experience

“intellectually” but I have never experience it, know it or live it

That deeply.

We are evolving each moment, we are never stuck,

Illusions that tell us otherwise are the prison.

Run from the illusions that tells you are not one with life.

THIS IS INNER THE FREEDOM, I have been chasing all my life.

I’m hanging on to truth, 

And I’m feeling many emotions that I have been avoiding, 

Everything that I feel now, 

It’s beautiful, 

Colorful, 

Terrifying,

Awakening,

Nothing, 

Everything, 

Perfect as it is.

I left after 7 days instead of 10 because it was too strict to a point where I became unhealthy with lack of sleep, I couldn't eat the food and I was in a complete disorientation.

I didn't feel that this strict environment was helping or healing for me.

All the inner work that I did was enough, I needed to digest, to take care of myself.

Only my ego and the pleasing girl wanted to stay.

But really this time I did enough.

I'm glad I had this experience but also glad I left.

It's a constant work,

It's not because I did vipassana 7 days that I'm enlightened, 

Every moment is a new challenge to be one with life :)

Overall I'm very grateful even tho it was like hell!

What I missed the most during this experience was to connect with others.

To share.

~Lua Leo